my phone needs a breathalizer
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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