My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
