Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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