Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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