it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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