Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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