a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
