you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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