And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
