2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
