I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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