I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
