Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
