I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
