there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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