Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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