whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
