I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
