WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
