Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
