Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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