If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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