He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
