I am puke
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
