You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alive.
So much puke
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
