I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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