I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
