A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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