This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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