I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
