I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
