I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
