apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
