Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
