i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
there is puke in my bra ... again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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