he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
