Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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