I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
