I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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