Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
