her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
