Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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