I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
