I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
