I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
