Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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