I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
