I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
