I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
