I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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